


I and This Mystery

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: First Time, M/M, episode-related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-07-25
Updated: 2003-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-01 11:43:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*I and this mystery*/*here we stand*</p>
            </blockquote>





	I and This Mystery

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Lyra and Caro for all their help -- sensational betas, both of you. Dana, Mads, Nifra  & Meg, thank you all for the audiencing and encouragement. 

## I and This Mystery

by Sarah

<http://livejournal.com/users/kormanfan>

* * *

Disclaimer: Smallville is the property of the WB and DC Comics. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended. 

This is for Thamiris, who wanted to read a coda for Crush. I hope you like it, Tham. 

All lines at the number marks are taken from Walt Whitman's _Song of Myself_. I also lifted one line of dialogue from _Crush_. 

Feedback is so much more than welcome. Yes, please. 

* * *

  1. _If they are not just as close as they are distant they are nothing_



He left the hospital, his head down and stride brisk. Tucking his hands into his pockets fiercely, he steeled himself against the nagging whirl of unhappy thoughts. 

_Everyone always leaves_. 

_She looked so much like my mother tonight_. 

He sat down heavily on a bench at the end of the sidewalk and searched the crisp edges of the Metropolis skyline as the daylight faded. The colors blended together as the sky met the night, and some of the crispness blurring as dusk fell. 

2\. _I cock my hat as I please indoors or out_. _Shall I pray_? _Shall I venerate and be ceremonious_? 

His smile was dry and bitter, the edges of his lips curling only slightly. _Shall I pray_ ,indeed. 

_I might be a better man_. 

_I might not have a broken heart_. 

_I'm not going to waste any more time_. 

Lex sat until he couldn't sit still any longer, and finally walked to his car. He palmed his cell phone, looking at it, but decided to slip it back into his pocket. It wasn't time just yet. Some declarations could wait. At least until he could make them in person. 

3\. _And whatever is done or said returns at last to me_

He raises his little hands, and they're captured by two different, smiling faces, both with red hair. Only one is his mother, but they both love him, and he knows it. He's swung through the air and returned gently to his feet again. The voices around him are calming. He feels adored. He's not afraid. 

He feels safe. 

And then his dad gets home. Everything shatters quickly, and he learns how to freeze. He learns about eggshells. 

And then she's gone. His mother. Gone. Pamela leaves soon after, and his dad is full of excuses. Lex remembers being stunned. The earth moved from underneath him, and he doesn't really understand what happened. 

He learns to make his own grilled cheese sandwiches, and figures out pretty quickly how to stay out of the way. 

4\. _But I do not talk of the beginning or the end_

He climbed the loft steps slowly, his breathing labored. 

Clark spun around toward the stairs as Lex moved toward him. Lex started to smile at the familiar face, and felt his entire countenance relax. Clark was good for him. Some things really were that simple. 

He stopped, abruptly, when he realized that Clark was soaking wet. Sitting alone, up in the loft, soaked to the core. A navy blazer was tossed on the floor like an afterthought. Lex was confused. 

"Why're you all wet?" He stared, fascinated by the way the curls were plastered to Clark's head. Clark looked like...a prayer. One of the ones meant to be repeated until it made sense. Lex wanted to watch Clark forever, until Clark made the rest of his world make sense. 

"From earlier. It rained when we were at Whitney's dad's funeral." Clark sighed and leaned back against the couch, his hands tracing lines into the wet fabric of his pants. 

Lex nodded, watching Clark's fingers move. He had elegant hands. Big, elegant hands. "You doing okay?" 

Clark started to nod yes, but he stopped midway through the motion. "I guess. I've been better." 

"I know the feeling." 

5\. _This hour I tell things in confidence_ , _I might not tell everybody_ , _but I will tell you_

Lex sat down on the couch, sinking back into the faded cushions. He slid a hand over his head, and turned to look at Clark. Once, a few months back, Clark had told Lex that he was the only one he trusted. Lex hadn't ever reciprocated that in words, but that didn't mean he didn't want to. Clark might not always tell the whole truth, but Clark didn't let him down, or force him to freeze up. 

Clark was safe. 

Clark was real. Clark was the only person who'd ever made Lex realize he _needed_ comfort. And thinking about that made Lex extremely _uncomfortable_. 

Lex opened his mouth to talk, closed it, and opened it again. Clark's eyes widened. 

"I miss my mom." 

Clark nodded this time. "Yeah. I figured you did." 

Lex nodded, silent. They sat there until Clark's foot started to tap against the wooden floor planks. Lex started to worry that he was making Clark nervous. 

"The woman who took care of me when I was younger...she left after my mom died. And then she showed up the other day. She's dying." 

Clark nodded again. 

"Do you remember the conversation we had the other night? The one about love?" 

His own boldness surprised him, but he really wanted everything back out on the table, where it would have been the other night if they hadn't been interrupted. 

If he'd been braver. 

It was always possible that he would have closed his mouth at the last minute, and kept everything inside. But not tonight. Tonight was about making things right. 

"Remember how I told you I'd only loved two women in my life?" 

Clark shook his head and pushed the messy, wet hair out of his face. He pursed his lips before he spoke, looking tense. "Yeah." 

"She was the other one. Pamela." 

"Wow." Clark's eyes were as wide as quarters. "I'm so sorry, Lex." 

"Yeah." 

Lex mused for a minute. He hesitated, and then he continued. 

"I never got to finish what I was saying the other night." 

"Yeah?" Clark sat back, his gaze fixed intently on Lex. 

"I never got to tell you what I really wanted to say." _What I've always wanted to say_. _What_ _I've always dreaded putting into words_. _What you've deserved from the minute I met you_. _What's_ _enough to fuck all of this up and make you hate me_. 

Clark's head tilted, exposing the side of his neck. Lex froze, captivated by the expanse of skin. He wanted to know exactly what that skin tasted like. 

He shook his head. First things first. 

"I wanted to, and I might have, but then your mom came in. After seeing Pamela tonight..." His voice trailed off, and he concentrated hard on finishing his thought. "I just don't want things to be unsaid anymore." 

Clark looked seriously confused. He shifted, uncrossed and then re-crossed his legs. 

"What are you talking about?" Clark sounded uncertain, like he didn't know how hard to push. 

"I've loved two women. One was my mother, and the other was Pamela. But I've only loved one man." Lex looked at him with what he thought was a pointed expression. 

Clark's face still looked vague, and a little confused. He obviously wasn't getting the hint. 

"Your dad?" 

"No, Clark. Not my dad." Lex paused. When he continued, his voice was tentative. 

"You." 

"You love me?" Clark's tone was incredulous this time, and he shook his head hard as he spoke. 

Lex reached over, his hand shaking, and steadied himself on Clark's knee. "Yeah, I do." 

6\. _For me lips that have smiled, eyes that have shed tears_

Clark looked down at the hand on his knee, and then quickly back up at Lex. His face relaxed into a calm that Lex had never seen before, and his eyes looked like sparks, all lit up with twinkling little specks. Lex was enchanted by the transformation, and couldn't stop staring. Clark was more beautiful than anyone he'd ever seen. He was strong, the strongest thing Lex had ever known in his life, and he really was as good as he appeared to be. Clark was a good man. 

And if that wasn't enough, Clark smiled then, a smile huge enough to light a fire, and Lex leaned into him. He kissed Clark's jawline, slowly, a little at a time, tasting each kiss. Clark moaned, and wrapped his arms around Lex. 

Lex pulled back, pinning Clark's arms with closed fists. 

"Don't you want to know why?" 

Clark shook his head and smiled, a wry smile this time. 

"I don't need you to explain it to me, Lex. I...I already knew." 

Lex was a stunned little boy all over again, and he shook his head in disbelief. "But you looked so confused, a minute ago." 

Clark hesitated, long enough to make Lex wonder if he was hiding something. He caught his breath, and waited for Clark to continue. 

"I just...I couldn't believe you were finally going to say it." 

7\. _Exactly the value of one and exactly the value of two_ , _and which is ahead_? 

Lex grinned, and released Clark's arms. "Well, it's out there now. I said it. What are you thinking?" 

Clark silenced him with a kiss. Lex trembled, and felt Clark shiver against his mouth. Lex pressed Clark down slowly against the couch until Clark was flat on his back, and they kissed until neither of them could breathe. 

Lex twined his fingers through the damp curls on Clark's forehead, and smoothed the skin of his cheek. 

" _I have embraced you_ , _and henceforth possess you to myself_ , _and when you rise in the morning you_ _will find what I tell you is so_ ," Lex whispered, his voice breaking off at the end. 

Clark blushed at the words, a brilliant scarlet rising all the way to his hairline, and he lowered his head to Lex's shoulder. "What's that from?" 

"Something that Pamela made me think about earlier. I'll tell you all about it another time. Shhh." His hands moved down over Clark's chest, and he pressed hard enough to feel the heartbeat underneath. He stroked down further until his hands rested on Clark's hips, and he slid his hands under the waistband slowly, hooking his fingers in at the sides. Clark gasped, and tried to move into his hands, and the butterflies in Lex's stomach fluttered and flapped, making him laugh with self-conscious delight. 

"You're so amazing, Clark." His hands couldn't move fast enough; he couldn't touch enough of Clark at once, and there was so much he wanted to do. He eased Clark's pants open as quickly as he could, unfastening the belt, popping the button, sliding down the zipper. Clark lifted up to help him pull the pants down, shoving his boxers down too, and Lex slid off the couch to kneel in front of him. 

8\. _And in my soul I swear I never will deny him_

He stretched his hands to the tops of Clark's thighs, letting his fingertips draw soft lines on the outsides of his legs as he bent to press a kiss to the inside of Clark's right knee. He looked up to find heavy-lidded eyes trained on him, and caught a quick smile before he bent his head again. He kissed his way up Clark's right leg, and then down again on the inside of the left, still trailing his fingertips slowly in shaky lines. His throat was one huge lump, and this was perfection. _This_ was what he'd always wanted to do. 

He looked up again, and Clark's head was tipped back against the edge of the couch, his eyes screwed shut. Lex's eyes twinkled darkly, and he slid a hand up to the beautiful, heavy cock in front of him, squeezing his fist around it gently. Clark's head flew up, his eyes suddenly open and very much alert again. Lex grinned. 

"It's okay." He reached up and smoothed the damp hair away from Clark's eyes, and dropped his head again, finally taking the head into his mouth. He moved slowly, going down as far as he could, and he moaned as Clark writhed into his mouth. He felt Clark's thighs tense as he sucked, and he moaned again when Clark spilled into his throat. He'd been wrong before. _This_ was perfection; this was satisfaction. This was exactly where he always wanted to be. He swallowed quickly, wiped his mouth with his hand, and rested his face on the sweet, soft skin in front of him. Clark's hand fell down to stroke his head gently, and Lex relaxed into the touch. He leaned there for what seemed like minutes, content. 

Finally, Clark pulled him up from his knees, into his lap, and held him there. "I love you, too, you know." 

9\. _I and this mystery here we stand_

He slid his arms around Clark, resting against him. He smiled as he watched Clark's eyes flutter shut, and sighed as his hands rose and fell right along with Clark's chest. 

He was happy. He'd never been this happy. _This_ was perfection. 


End file.
